The art of losing myself

Well, I'm starting this post again now for about the 4th time.  I don't know if I'm quite cut out for this blogging thing.  Actually I know I'm not, but I'm doing it more for the sake of remembering.  So here I am and I don't really know what to write.  I don't feel like I have anything interesting to say that will speak to anyone's life, but as the title of my blog states, this is simply about my life.  And it is just that -- simple.  Lately it's been about grace and finding out in new and different ways that God is bigger than myself.  I think in these last few months there has been one remaining theme that keeps coming up.  The song 'From the Inside Out'  -- Joel Houston, has been coming to my mind frequently these days especially one particular line.

"The art of losing myself, in bringing you praise."

The last few months have been just that.  A lesson in the art of losing myself.  People always say that when you get married you have to learn about selflessness.  While that may be true, for me it has been children that have been the real lesson.  I thought that when Adalyn was born, but now that there are two I feel like I have to learn that lesson all over again.  I don't want this post to have a complaining or rant-filled nature, that's not my objective.  I just want to write it the way I see it right now, in this season of my life right now. 

I am learning a bit about living in the strength and grace of God (and coffee?!) in the past few months as we struggle with Rhone's night time sleeping.  He is still waking about every 2-3 hours at night, which means I haven't slept more than 2-3 hrs consecutively for the last 5 months.  There may have been one lucky 5 hr stretch in there, but this is most unusual.  It is a good day when I can have a nap too as Rhone and Adalyn's naps often fall at opposite times.  If anyone would have told me a while ago this is what I would be doing, I wouldn't have thought it possible for me who needs a lot of sleep so badly.  But it is!  With God's grace it is!  It has taught me about relying on Him for every tired moment of the day and night.   It's incredible how you can feel so much intense love for a child, but so much frustration and --forbid me to say it-- anger, at the same time!  I'm so glad love wins every time!

"The art of losing myself in bringing you praise. "

A break on the drive.

Excitement at the hotel

We went on a little trip in May for a family wedding.  This was an adventure for me.  Being a person who under normal circumstances gets stressed in a situation like this, and add to that being tired, this was a big deal.  The trip went SO well.  It was a 9 hr drive there, but we stopped for night 6 hrs in and stayed at a hotel.  It being a new place and having all the excitement and everyone sleeping in the same room Adalyn found it very difficult to get to sleep and so with everything combined none of us really got much sleep that night. 

The next day we packed up and went the rest of the 3 hr drive.  I thought for sure Adalyn would sleep on the way, but she didn't, and so she went napless that day.  Mark was the bestman in the wedding and Adalyn a flower girl, so we had the rehearsal supper and rehearsal a bit later and so it was another late night for the little girly.  I wasn't sure how we would make it through the next day--  wedding day-- where performance and happiness was expected and where I wouldn't have much help with the kiddos.  We were able to stay with friends of Mark's brother, which proved to be a HUGE blessing.  They gave us each our own room which was a million times better than being in a hotel for the night!  Abbie was a big help the morning of the wedding and I don't know what I would have done without her help.   Abbie if you are reading this, I hope you know what a blessing you guys were!

Again I barely slept that night.  Mark didn't either.  Having a coke right before bed wasn't a good idea apparently and Rhone didn't have a great night, so that means I hardly slept.  I wasn't sure how I would survive!  But I did!  It was a long day and I really didn't get to sit and enjoy the extremely yummy meal.  (I only ate about 1/3 of what I had one my plate, my coffee went cold before I even had one sip and my ice-cream cake almost melted before I could eat it), but we made it, and made good, fun memories!

Managed a family picture, though she was done with pictures by this time.

By the end of the evening Adalyn was rolling down the wheel chair ramp in her fancy flower girl dress and hiding under buffet tables.  At that point I didn't care as long as she was happy.  Maybe that's bad parenting, I'll let you be the judge.  :)

'The art of losing myself, in bringing you praise.'


 

















And amazingly some how in the last month, I have managed to read 2 books and am now half way through the 3rd one.  I haven't read a book for a very long time, but now it's become my way of escape.  I needed something that didn't require any energy, that I could do sitting in bed and that didn't involve looking at a screen, computer or tv.  So it may be kind of dumb, but I do believe I've lost some sleep over my books.  It's my 'me' time though and even though I want so desperately to sleep most of the time, I also can't put my book down.  Stupid.

And in the midst of it all, I enjoy my family.  I enjoy every day spent with them.  Though there are many rough moments, in the end I wouldn't have it any other way.  I enjoy losing myself, giving my time and my energy to love them.  They are God's gifts to me.  They are so cute, so funny.  Adalyn is helpful and brings perspective to me.  I love it when she sings the song Mark sings to her at bedtime.  It's a good reminder for me.  'He is able, He is able, I know He is able, I know my Lord is able to carry me through.'  She loves Rhone and Rhone loves her and it's so fun to see them interacting as sister and brother. 

Playing 'It's naptime.  Her idea not mine!

'And now let me read you a story...'

And then the power went out.

No one makes him giggle quite like she can.

First ride at the fair!

The guys are on a plane.  I love her imagination!

We celebrated Adalyn's 3rd birthday last month.  I really wanted to let her know how special and loved and appreciated she was as a person.  I made this sign for her room.  

I know she can't read it now, but some day she will, and I can keep adding to it as she grows and develops.  We had a fun birthday party with our families and she got a bit spoiled.  ooops.  

So yes, I think this art will take more than a lifetime to perfect.  This is what it looks like right now in my life and I know later it might look different, but the results are always the same.  'This is my story, this is my song, praising my Saviour all the day long...'